I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
