you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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