Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
