I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
