The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
