After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
