A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
