I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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