so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
