Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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