Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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