Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
