I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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