This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
