I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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