just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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