Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
