Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
