when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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