we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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