I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
FUCK WHALES
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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