I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
