I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
