community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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