I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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