I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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