i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
