He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
