I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
