you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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