im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
