Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
