Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
