Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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