i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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