It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
