A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
