i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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