i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
