Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
