his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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