I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
time to smoke my breakfast
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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