Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
