I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
