You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
