Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
