you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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