just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
