I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
