he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
