did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Randomize
