for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
